I have struggled with shame for most of my life and when I was younger. If you think you’re the only one, you’re wrong. Everyone struggles with shame.
But shame hides in secrecy, silence and judgment so the solution is to talk about it openly with compassion.
Sometimes I still get stuck in what Brené Brown – the Queen of Shame Research – calls, “the swampland of the soul.” When I find myself feeling like a failure, I can remember – mostly – that the solution is not harsh self-criticism but compassion.
Shame is a universal and powerful emotion, says Brené, that everyone has except sociopaths who feel no empathy. She has spent her life researching shame and explains it further with stunning honesty in her Ted Talks video here
So join the human race when you feel shame because you and 8 billion others feel it. When you feel not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not tough enough, know that everyone feels like this sometimes. When you feel like a failure, that is shame.
But shame is different than guilt. Guilt is about making a mistake, and you can say “I’m sorry” and move on.
Research shows that shame comes in the disguise of perfectionism for most people. (A little differently for men). Your inner critic says, “Do it all, do it perfectly and don’t let them see you sweat.”
Awareness of when and how you carry shame, and then responding to it with empathy and compassion.
As we learn to be open and vulnerable, sharing when we feel shame, it lifts. The truth is, you are never perfect, you will always make mistakes and you just get to go ahead and try anyway and forgive yourself when you fail, as we all do.
Join me to talk further about shame in my new group, Mindfulness & Shame this fall. Tuesday afternoons, 1:30-4 pm, Oct 5 – Nov 2.
